Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20131019-1330a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in my house in London, and I'm joined by Tom W__.

From Joseph Bellami, this is. "Hi, Rhod. I'm 15 years old / N__ / two suggestions for features. Feature 1 / have you given up on a book? This could be after / couple of pages / thanks / be towards the end, which is / probably more interesting / %, and do you know what / I wouldn't say / not only I've given up on books __ __ I really hate, I've got / I would say / I've got nine books on the go / at the moment / sounds tricky / trying to read a / story / a story? / Well, a novel / right / I was gonna say / fiction / I was gonna say ... how old are you now? / 37 / yeah, that's / Oh yeah / that's too old to be reading a story. / I think, I think, I think it changes from, uh, you know / I think, I think / when you ... OK, / when you are a kid / age of nine / read / after that, you read a book / yeah / it was a thriller or something, right? And, uh, I was also trying to / brief history of time / hang on a minute. Hang on / just remind / making a list / of the books / middle of, or / half / given up / far too long, so / remind me another one / Yeah. Carry on. / you can, you can, sort of / mash them together / on / point / be a big crunch / gonna die anyway / melding the two sources of information together / you wanna put one / one in each hand / look / page / the other / I am reading, at the moment, A Brief History of Nearly Everything. / What's that? / that is, uh, uh, / what's his name? / Bill B__, yeah. / brief / remind / second time / John / brief / second time of starting reading it / got through Chapter One last time / chapter one again / autobiography of John Lennon / autobiography / by / reading / modern novel / some bloke / hundredth birthday / I'm reading / book / about equality, I'm reading, uh ... there's more. There's more / I'm in the middle of / two or three years / the last book I finished, I thought / really small one / week ago / 101 Dalmations / thought I could manage / be really small / get through it / in my hands at the same time. / get mixed up / all of them / yeah, yeah / very very confusing. / Indian god, just ... covered in books / Joseph, uh, Bellami, the answer is yes. We have given up on books. All the time. / I'm always reading / loads of them / through / oldest pet / cat / 22 years old in human years." That's not / That's barely old at all, is it? In human years. / cat / three / cat years / if your cat, Joseph, / 22 years old in human years / that makes it probably about three months old in cat terms / that's not / call in / Guiness Book of Record / this one / record / I've just ... / our cat had just died, sadly. / Huh. / Arnold. / How old? / 23 / cat or human / which, I think, / like / in human years. That was a very very very good / sadly / off / all right, p__. God bless you, Arnold. / Arnold? / Yeah. / couple of seconds' silence there, I think, / absolutely / two seconds of human silence is a minute's silence / cat / respectful moment / I'm gonna play this song for 23-year-old, sadly, uh, deceased cat named Arnold. And I think / love this / AC/DC / hold / It was the intro he loved.

I've got a new belt. / Hang on a minute / wind / I've got a new belt / bought a belt / Tom, I don't know / I know / three hours's sleep / what / Listen. Even you, on a good day you would have known / great start of a story / "I've got a new belt." / bought / belt / Oh, there's more? ... I thought that was it. / I'm enjoying it. / thought / I mean, uh, I always need / I'm too skinny to wear an average / buy a smaller-sized belt / can / in different sizes, Tom / even the smallest ones / put my holes in / can't get / you can't get them / buy / child's / reading your story / I know what you mean. I do have to put, uh, more holes / Do you do it at home? / you are / slimmer / how much do you weigh? / 70 kilograms / that's about, sort of, uh, hang on a minute, that's about / 11 stones / in that order / slim / you are skinny. You are / 12-year-old child / yeah, normal, 12-year, healthy 12-year-old child. Uh, I don't know if that's true, by the way / I don't know / We don't know. We don't know. Don't panic, everyone / put / kid on scales / we are no experts / do you DIY / extra hole / 'cause / that way / disaster / Well, my last hole / made ____ by my tour manager. / do that / you know  Simon / he's one of those guys. He wears black all the time / what they are doing / using / people wear black / practical people / show the dirt / tool belt / holes / things like / Swiss army knives and that kind of / USB stick on his key ring / that kind of / he's that kinda person / bottle-opener / he's got / he's a human Swiss army knife / twice now / other knives available / on tour, I / bought a new belt / put / new holes in it for me because / finding a / new town / on tour / Wednesday night, you don't think / find a c__ / find a belt maker / you just thinnk / my tour manager __ do it / it's one of his jobs / how / yours done? / where / where would you have your belts / it's a new feature. / try to do it at home, using, you know, like, you know, sharp things / find in the kitchen / accident / to happen / cork screw / used / just a normal breadknife and, and a mallet / slitting the belt / yeah / anything / yeah. yeah. So, I went to a c__ by the station / Now I was / one / I thought, "Well / why / always by the station? / It's because ... I know this / quite / like there is an actual correct answer / powers / joined / quite symbiotic industries, aren't they? / they are / there's / similar tooling requirements. Similar tooling requirements / Is that what it is? / yeah / similar tooling requirement / mind popping / people / jotting this down / dinner party conversation there / no more awkward pauses for me. / That's next Saturday night / Tim and Jones sorted. / so, what you need / proper hole in a belt / tools / just before / really useful / because / sitcom at the moment, about me, uh, a fictional sort of me, and / I work in a shoe repair, key-cutting place. That's, that's where / working / my sitcom / now? Or / I'm writing it at the moment / giving yourself a job as a result of this conversation / no no no no no. It's already / had / have you never asked yourself why / I / be oblivious to this / No. I was just ... I was foolishly __ in__ / just make the character / It never occurred to me to look into the fictional job I was doing too closely. / as far as I can see / headlong into a sitcom / why / I'm going to. I'm looking / anyway, back to your story / belt / your character in this sitcom, then / will have one of those / spikes on a stick / yeah / to do belts / to do belts. / yeah / So, I went to the guy by the station, and I said, uh, / one of those sticks / spikes on / course / yeah / can you put a hole / took my belt off / Why didn't you just say / can / ask / then ask him / I don't know, but I / key cut, you don't go "Would you happen to have the correct apparatus for key-cutting? You do? / ok / In that case, would you / do you have a __ __ salad / chiken / You do? Chicken salad roll, please / well, I think we should / conversation / sort of / I think we should / beginning / qualified to say yes / second / put holes in belts / it might go / it might go, yeah. / probably could / corkscrew / yeah / breadknife / Oh, me hand / plaster

We are talking about belts for the last 15 minutes / point / trying to make / Tom / story about belts / as / got / just give us a brief synopsis of story so far / people might have just joined us, Tom. / on the way / social event / belt tightness is important / flapping about / loose trousers / forgotten to go to local / into one / train station / Oxford Circus. / Right. / And, for some reason, I ... I don't know why / foolish / assumed it would be free. / hole in the belt. / you / c__, clutching his trousers, taking his belt off / have you got one of those sticks with a spike on. Then / you / should be like, you know / always on duty / I think / really interesting feature. What sevices, little, tiny little things / so small / kind of think they should be for free / sandwich shop and just went, "Uh, I've got ... I've got my own sandwitch, but / enough margerine / own / I think / really / no / I mean / if you went to a chip shop, right / more vinegar or something / bought / chips / somewhere else / you know, my granny used to do / my granny used to buy / two chippies / and / one / yeah, yeah / chips / fish / did that all her life? / yeah, yeah ... yeah. / I / do you know why? Do you / occurred to me? I grew up in __ __ __ many chipshops / know / better / I never thought of doing that. I should have done that / yards apart / why didn't I / do that? / two minutes / You can't do that. You can't ... / couple of minutes / nice one / you come back / somewhere else / you can't do that / leave them outside. It's a bit like having a __ __ __ __ bag of food / go to the chipshop while / cooking / get the chips from / chip shop B, let's call it. You come back / chipshop A / window sill outside chipshop A / go / pick up / all right. / you never have / you wierdo / proper fish / he was / buy chip / would the chips sill be there on the window sill when you came out? That is / like / Anyway, I said to this guy / I think / for example, if you go to a bike shop, you can / tires free / thing / they can't charge for air. I mean, garages / machine, but, uh, that's a different story / this guy, I said / put a hole in this belt / put my finger / said, "That's a pound." And it blew my mind. / above, like, barristers / hourly rate / less than five seconds / a pound. Extraordinary. / I think / feature / A: What / you expect to get for free / ask to do something so minor that / should be a social / social good / social service / customer service / people would come back / remember that little gesture / shoe / go in there / featuer 2 / charge you for / you / "What? / for that? Hole in my belt? / yeah / it doesn't / see / anything / little circle of leather / keep / little circle / charge him / 50p / two holes, and, you know, / never quite sure / stick / say / two pounds / no / what is going on? And you know the wierdest thing? / tightening / belt / metaphor for saving money. / just / that is the ... yeah, that's fabulous. / let down by / whatever / Featur 3

I just wanna throw out, uh, today's Human Audio B__ / which is, uh, a phrase / taken off / would / but / phrase / then repeat / or, more specifically, until / somebody around them snaps and loses it / last week's phrase / that's the b___ element. / Right. / explain it / say over and over again / kick you / until somebody / example / last week's was, "I can't believe / Dr. Who episodes / keep saying that / just keep saying that / same person / somebody who doesn't know / what's going on / happens / this is from / Rhod, I decided to play Human B__ with my husband / I rang him and I said / Dr. Who episodes. He said "Pardon?" I repeated, "I can't believe / he said / what __ __ on about? / managed to say the line six times / very / upset / he's not amused, which was sad / I was laughing so much / aborted by my husband. Half an hour later / lost my mind / fault / podcast / work / Sometimes people push it further. These are ones I like. / sometimes people keep going / breakdown / marriage / A: that is my goal / human relationship / honestly this feature ends / somebody rings up and s__ / so / marriage / now failed / move on / whenever we move on / new feature.

To his amazement, Tom W___ was charged a pound to have a hole put in his belt / 5-second job. It took longer / ladies and gentlemen / it took ... and you said earlier that / another hole / bloke charged you two pounds. Now, you then confessed to me / interrud__ / that wasn't true. / That wasn't true / extra hole / extra hole / buy one hole, get ... / happy / ladies and gentlemen / second hole / two holes / one / what's that / price to one / Anyway, so, / people / on __ diet / just / take advantage ... / take advantage of the offer / save a fortune. Uh ... / Now, listen / think / what little things do you expect to get for free? For example, / scene / picture a scene / outlet / and cheese / OK? / I'm walking down the street, and I think "Uh, / I would expect probably to go into another outlet and say / this / plastic folks / that / not / I wouldn't be expecting to use my minor / eh / check / face out / plastic folk. Do you know who I am / I just mean / for anyone to walk in / free plastic / a little spoon / do the job / that kinda thing / you expect / hole in / belt / expect / well / there is a grey area / because / such a great feature, Tom. / go / pound / like, you know, just, sort of / you don't know that / I do know that / do you mean / behind / wall / it's a price / one pound / two holes, one pound / What?! / I mean, it's / question, of course, how many holes do you need before / it / stick / fifty / go / actually / pressed the button on the til, Rhod, and it came up / belt hole: one pound / priceless / digitally into his til / hole in belt, one pound / this is normal / click / two holes / say on your receipt / receipt / did it say "one / nowhere it is / Let's have a look / I imagine / one hole, one pound / underneath, it might say / hole / zero pounds next to it.  / I mean / did it say, / this is from ... OK, / Oxford tube station. London / Customer Receipt. / London / October, 6 o'clock.  Uh ... quntity description / wrong. It was Friday, for a start / charging a pound / time and date / quantity 1 / whole punch, one pound / was / that's why / Has anyone ever taken a belt / busy today / come ... come back / Wednesday / clotch my trousers until then / one pound / pay / minus one pound, that's presumably for the ... for the other hole. You got one hole for free. / I did? / Yeah. Anyway, look, "Hi, Rhod. Happy birthday / going back / correct apparatus / I don't like butter / be surprised / bakery / no butter / told / completely different feature, that / Hi Rhod / one / this is good. This is good / get for free / expect / for free / Hi, Rhod. In one of the hair dressers / hometown / you can have a free fringe trim. / well, that's ... I think that's excellent / hangover / surely / top up / because I went / in between / an interim hair-cutting gesture / haircut / I've got quite wild curly hair / you / not / what's his name? / sideshow Bob / s__ bob is just square, isn't it? / woman / never / tell / or not / only you would say that / go into / set for an hour, look / in the mirror and go "Have you cut it? I can never tell / said / scissors / just need to know how / can you definitely confirm you've cut my hair?

We are talking about / free / Tom W___ / we're gonna / tweet / picture of the receipt / Tom was handed at a __ at Oxford Circus / London / whole / chaged a pound. We thought, "surely, should / little bit of a public service / do / little things / little bit of a public service / man in need / as well / fishing out / pound / bag / holding up my trousers / charged you in advance before / even / hole in / but / until / until payment, yeah. / I'm sure he has a lot of people doing / lots of things / hi / walking / chemist / squirt of deodrant, please. I'm sweating and / offending / general public" says / A squirt of deodrant / would you expect to give ... I don't think / bit / give ... I don't think / deodrant / asking a lot / anti / test / perfumes ... do they / chemist / if they do have / test / spray in the air / like vanilla / you don't take your shirt off / shower / before / somebody / I work for a very well known wind-screen company, no names, they say / from Gabin / no names / windscreen / "When someone comes to our depot to ask us to stick their rear view mirror back on / mirrors / housing / bit / sticky / they charged 13 pounds plus VAT. / Wow. / The little double-sided sticky / cost / 20p / takes ten seconds to do / says Gavin / for free / rear-view mirrors / just / expect that for free / be nice / would be nice / encourage / plus VAT / plus VAT / something serious has taken place / it's the "plus" .... it's the "plus VAT" / one / b___ / human b___ / had some correspondence on last week's / over and over again without explaining it to annoy your friends and loved ones. Last week's phrase was "I can't believe / Dr. Who episodes / dear Rhod, / podcast listener / past week / ones / for the past week / need to know how it went / started / Dr. Who episode / my wife / interested to hear / this discovery / by the fifth time she / ninth / b__ed / end of it / however / of s__ce / push through / upon telling / 13 th time, she hit me one the arm. By the 17th time, she / going / keep going / properly loses it / we want divorces / that's the only ... that is the only natural conclusion to human b__. ... "By the 17th time / she twisted my ear / no longer finding my little game, in any way, / threatened / bodily harm / carried / time / properly snapped, kicked me in ... somewhere / I didn't stop / 29th time / kept going / despite the threat / telling her "I can't believe / dr. / locked the bathroom door / hasn't spoken to me since yesterday / on my boss." / all the best, Dave. / keep us informed / relationships / new / week / back / story / b___ / a miniture sculpture of rocker Jimi H___ / painstakingly created / tip of a pencil / got smashed / got snapped / thrown / The 47-year-old who carves HB and 4B / said, "It took me 90 hours of very precise work to carve / lead, presumably of the pencil, 90 hours to carve a mini __ H__ / delivered it to somebody / He said he / second sculpture, which / by hand / fair enough. That's / human b___ / there's no / Jimi / on the nib of /

bbc.co.uk / tweet / show / as Matt in Cardiff has done / best way to add an extra hole in your belt / still / "hole in your belt" feature / Yeah. Why not. / just / Tom / hole / free at / c__ / pound. That's the end of the story. The best way / extra / get a small screw driver / until it's white-hot / wow / then pierce the belt / dosen-or-so belts that need / who's got ... A: who's got a dozen belts? / B: / don't fit / none of / was / because / so hot / more than one / just / more economical / once you've ... once you've heated your screwdriver / save / electricity / austerity / age of austerity, energy prices rising, just make sense to make sure / dosen / people / street with / red-hot / screw driver / what can I do with this? / he says / need a corkscrew / suggested earlier / breadknife / some initiative / that's not really true, is it, / I could say to you / if you don't need / screwdriver, a / it's actually more inconvenient / just / might be more effective. By the way, / recommending any of these things to you at home. / expecially / Do not approach a screw driver / don't, in any way, try to / belt / recommendation is, stay / around your ankles.

if you enjoyed that one, why don't you / whole show? Rhod Gilbert / live on Saturday morning / BBC Radio Wales / 11 till 1.